Next Year’s News Now
By Tim Cerantola
Well, it’s that time again when all of us psychics make our predictions for the coming new year.
Now, I must admit that I’m a bit light in the psychic department – though I do have regular psychotic episodes if that’s any consolation – not to mention the word psychotic is on the very same page as psychic in the dictionary.
So kids, here’s next year’s news now. Hang on to your yoo-hoos or whatever floats your boat, and get ready for some psychic magic.
For the year 2009 I foresee many strange occurrences…
In January, despite President Bush’s claim to solid market fundamentals, the American dollar will continue to lose ground against all major board game currencies.
Due to market unrest and economic fallout, the Boogey Man, Easter Bunny and the Toothfairy will be layed-off. In an attempt to gain a government bailout, Santa Claus, president of UFO (Union of Fairies and Ogres) will travel to Washington to meet with Janet Napolitano, US Secretary of Imaginary Characters and Homeland Security. The two will come to agreement and avert the imaginary disaster.
Citing severe popularity problems, Dick Cheney will have his name legally changed to Yolanda.
Also in Washington, prior to leaving office, US president George Bush will accidentally declare war on New Jersey.
President Barack Obama will continue to fund large unprofitable banks and automobile corporations so that they may continue to lose more money.
In 2009, Washington will be rocked by a fidelity scandal. A majority of senators and congressmen will reveal they are actually faithful to their wives and happily married. The disturbing news will force several media outlets to near collapse, as without trashy, imbecilic, gossipy gutter news to report on every half hour, the media will be forced to report only factual news of interest.
On the sports scene, a popular baseball player will demand and receive the highest dollar figure in the history of professional sports. He will be given ownership of the team as payment for playing. Once owner, he will promptly trade himself away in an effort to reduce hefty player salaries.
Finally, former US president George Bush will leave office and return to Texas where he will devote much of his time and energy to mastering the game of video pong. Also on the Bush front, George W. will be arrested for DWS (driving while stupid).
This will be the year that several major peace agreements will be reached – on the planet Moolga. I wish I were there.
In view of recent corruption charges against him, the State Of Illinois will attempt to distance itself from Gov. Rod Blagojevich and officially change its name to Shirley.
On the science front, having closely studied all the data, scientists will announce they have no clue whatsoever as to what is going on.
Barney the dinosaur will once again make the news with his wanderlust, draggletail dinosaur ways. Yes, Barney will be caught in the arms of yet another reptile, Rush Limbaugh. Mrs. The Dinosaur will sue for divorce as this will prove to be Barney’s 4th infidelity – not counting that one-nighter thing he had with Miss Piggy back in 2002.
An alien invasion will be unwittingly thwarted in Detroit. Aliens, upon landing in the “Motor City” will have their windshield washed by hoards of unemployed auto workers. When the aliens refuse to pay for the service, the irate street side squeegee people will beat them senseless. Their hubcaps will also be stolen.
Further on the alien contact front, the United Nations will appoint former US president Bill Clinton as spokesman for Earth. The meetings will go poorly as, when asked about the proceedings, the aliens will complain, “We knew we said take us to your leader, …now take us to someone who won’t play grab-ass with our wives.”
In August, a state of emergency will be declared in California when a Britney epidemic strikes. The number of people named Britney in the state will reach a highly toxic 35% of the population.
God the Almighty will once again be a no-show for 2009. Though the search has gone on for some time now, everyone’s favorite benevolent supreme being, who hates gay people, feminists and Muslims will continue to elude fundamental Christians.
A popular burger chain will score big with by introducing copious amounts of caffeine, sugar and nicotine into one of its most popular meal selections. The “Way too damn happy meal” will be a big seller in 2009.
In an attempt to put Americans back to work, president Barack Obama will announce the largest make-work project in history. Starting in 2009, Obama will commit the US to tearing down the Rocky Mountains and moving them to Florida.
In late 2009 in Washington DC, a commemorative thirty-foot high likeness of George Bush will be erected in Washington’s Constitutional Gardens. The sculpture made entirely of baloney, will quickly become the favourite of the Garden’s millions of pigeons – not to mention the target of Washington’s millions of enthusiastic shoe throwers.
On the fast food front, “burger wars” will erupt as a result of a fistfight between Ronald McDonald and The Burger King at a beef convention. McDonald’s clown of beef will accuse the King of having a lurid affair with Wendy the rag doll from Wendy’s. The King, not to be out done, reveals sordid details of an alleged same-sex affair between Ronald and the Hamburglar. Armies of burger clowns will battle the forces of burger royalty. Sadly, Mayor McCheese will perish in the ensuing battle.
A major category 5 hurricane, an earthquake, a giant snowstorm, ensuing avalanche and an erupting volcano will cause two Ebola infected passenger planes to collide with an asteroid and crash into a nuclear power station creating a massive spread of Ebola hemorrhagic fever, a major power blackout and a radio-active wildfire that will be extinguished by a 500 foot tsunami that strikes the US Eastern Seaboard.
And finally, in Hollywood, remakes of old movies will continue to be the craze as, in yet another sequel, has-been action stars Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Bruce Willis will team up to star in the blockbuster Wizard of Oz sequel, a war-action extravaganza entitled, “Die, Munchkin Die: Assault on Oz.”
