2012 – The End of the World

Jump to Comments

The End

By Timo Cerantola

The end of the world is coming very, very soon. I know this, because it’s almost the year 2012 and besides, it’s written right on the front page of one of those supermarket tabloids. It’s true.  The headline even specified the exact day and time, “The end of the world is coming December 23, 2012 – at midnight.”  I wonder, is that Eastern Standard time? (Check your local listings for your end of the world).

Anyway, that’s what it said, right there on the front page – just below the picture of Pedro, the chicken juggling goat boy.

Even some TV evangelists have jumped on the 2012 doom and gloom bandwagon. I suppose they feel disappointed that doomsday 2000 never happened. So this time, they’re hitching their religious death wagons to the Mayan Calendar event instead. They’d hate to miss out on any chance of global destruction. I guess god must be pretty pissed-off.

Mind you, it is a very thoughtful god who gives out exact dates and times. That way, his followers will know when to get ready to bite the big cookie. Really, it’s nice of the “Big Guy in the Sky” to be so precise and punctual about ending the world. But that’s god for you. He’s such a nice, capable and skillful supreme being. (He was very creative as a child you know).

Now as I see it, there are some big advantages to having a specific date or event on which to end the world and the beginning of the winter solstice suits me fine. Think about it, if the end were to come on some random date and time like August 26th, 2023 at 1:42 pm – it would surprise the living crap out of everyone.

Hey, if I were a follower of that particular death cult, I’d be really ticked about the timing. I need a nice round number or a seasonal event that’s easy to remember. Without it, I wouldn’t be prepared. I probably wouldn’t be wearing clean underwear. My mother always warned me I should wear clean underwear just in case of emergency – not that they’d be clean for very long if the world were exploding.

Anyways, I’ve often wondered how mankind’s (and womankind’s) collective end will happen.

Will our sun go nova?

Perhaps we’ll have another devastating global flood?

Or maybe a giant asteroid will crash head on into the earth and smash our world into a billion, trillion bits to float freely in the frigid airless vacuum of space? Ouch… that sounds pretty grim.

Now my personal favourite end of the world scenario has always been alien attack and destruction of our planet by space invasion. (I guess all those Star Trek repeats really messed up my brain). The idea of multi-tentacled, one-eyed space aliens zapping humanity into mammal dust has always appealed to my pessimistic side.

If you’ve ever read what the most famous psychics have to say about the end of the world, you’ll find that many of them have also picked the year 2012 for mankind to collectively take a dirt nap.

The famed psychic, Edgar Cayce, hinted that Armageddon would be upon us early in the twenty first century. Known as “the sleeping prophet” because his prediction methodology involved weird, otherworldly sleepy trances, Edgar Cayce would lie down and get all dozy and bug-eyed before popping off with his brand of doom and gloom.

I’m sure I could do the same.

Timo Cerantola, the sleepy psychic guy. I can go into sleepy trances too you know. But, only when I watch TV. Of course after that, I just pass out and snore. No gloom. No doom. No end of the world – just this big snorkley sound emanating from my honker.

Michel de Nostredame or Nostradamus, also predicted troubled times early in the 21st century – that is if you can decipher his convoluted quatrains. For centuries, these now famous rhyming predictions have been meticulously translated by experts (with too much time on their hands and not enough brain cells in their heads) to be an accurate forecast of future events.

I imagine in a few hundred years from now, charlatans may try the same scam with the children’s book, “Green Eggs and Ham.” Our naïve future descendents riveted to their seats in terror as they read an ancient apocalyptic warning by the great 20th century psychic, Dr. Seuss…

“I will not eat them with a mouse.

I will not eat them in a house.

I will not eat them here or there.

I will not eat them anywhere.

I do not eat green eggs and ham.

I do not like them, Sam-I-am.”

Of course, the experts of the future will agree. Dr. Seuss is referring to a future invasion of the evil and sadistic rhyming “Who” people that release a radioactive plague on an unsuspecting human race that turns everything green.

Maybe this world will end one day, likely to be replaced with the next world a few hundred million years later. If there is a god, maybe he knows when that end will be. If I knew when the end was coming, you’d find me at the local ice cream shop, the day before, ordering triple scoops …on waffle cones … with extra sprinkles. In fact, I would likely die from eating too much ice cream, and miss the big end of the world show on the next day.

Should the psychics be right about the year 2012 and there is a god who would do such a thing, that god is in position for the best practical joke of all time. Instead of ending it all at the stroke of midnight, he should wait a few extra minutes, just long enough for us to open our eyes and remove our fingers from our ears.

Then, while we’re all rejoicing and dancing in the streets thinking it’s not the end after all… KABOOM!!! End of the World. What a laugh. That God. What a card!

But just in case, all smugness aside. If on December 23, 2012 at 11:59 pm you should happen to see an inordinate number of fat ladies out on the streets singing their lungs out. It might be advisable to put your head between your knees and kiss your backside good-bye. Because as they say, it ain’t over till the fat lady sings – and I’d put my money on the fat lady over any Mayan Calendar, Nostradamus, Sleepy Prophet Guy or god.

The End

6 Comments

Filed under Armageddon, funny, humor, media, politics, rants

Tags: Current Events, funny, God, humor, media, news, politics, Rant