By Timo Cerantola

It was a surreal moment during Obama’s inauguration. The worshiping masses, teary eyed and all in agreement that finally, life is going to be rosy again with Barack Obama as president.

George Bush, Washington’s village idiot, sat through the inaugural proceedings looking clueless, staring aimlessly into the air like a dog who’d just been told not to lick its ass -his thoughts tumbling around in his brain like underpants in a dryer. Still, one has to wonder, is the worst chapter in American history finally over?

Granted, with Obama in charge, we have a much better chance of not reducing the planet to a smoldering pile of radioactive grit but I’m still not totally convinced. You see, after only two months of Obama style ‘change’ and already Obama has given the green light to bombing yet another sovereign state (Pakistan) with automated drones. As usual, innocent civilians have been killed.

In the last eight years, that is what I came to expect from George Bush’s America because George Bush’s America never had any respect for international law, another country’s sovereignty or its people. Shoot first, ask questions later was George’s methodology. You’re either with us or against us.

So, what happened to Obama’s ‘change we can believe in’?

With Obama, maybe the torture of prisoners as well as Bush’s torture of the English language may change, but so far, that’s about it.

Now I’m a little weirded out when I see all these Obamamaniacs, their eyes glazed over, full of child-like wonder and suspending any semblance of critical thinking when Obama speaks his charismatic magic.

It’s kind of spooky. This Obama worship has taken on a sort of cult-like messianic weirdness. I think we’re approaching a ‘lets all drink the Kool-Aid’ kind of eeriness here. Didn’t I see this in a science fiction movie or, was it an episode of Star Trek?

But do not blaspheme Obama. His followers will attack anyone who questions any word that leaves the lips of their savior; anyone who might contradict their Obama moment.

True. Obama’s charisma is without question – though I suspect highly amplified by the pathetic ineptitude of the man he replaced. Indeed, anyone who became president after George Bush would seem almost super human. Obama has very small shoes to fill. It’s not hard to top eight years of unrivaled incompetence.

And true, Barack Obama’s election may be historical, though it will be truly historical when a black man or woman can get elected president of the US and no one thinks it’s a big deal.

So what does Barack Obama actually stand for?

Change?

If bombing Pakistan was Obama’s opening act, that’s not change, that’s business as usual. I guess not many people picked up on his campaign rhetoric or reviewed his voting record or took a close look at his cabinet choices. Has anyone noticed – or does anyone even care that Obama’s cabinet appointments are the same old white-collar criminals and warhawks that we usually find in Washington’s power elite?

Did anyone pay attention during Obama’s campaign?

As I recall, according to Obama’s election record he was for private sector health plans run by big insurance, conservative medical/hospital associations and big pharma. He has publicly rejected a universal national health program.

He was for continuing the embargo on Cuba and hostile confrontation with Venezuela’s populist (and democratically elected) President Hugo Chavez. (Obama will promote protectionism at home but demands free market access to Latin America?).

Obama was a former defender of the Palestinian people but is now an AIPAC toadie in full support of oppressing the Palestinian people and the continued expansion of Israel into the West Bank.

Obama, prior to his election, endorsed the $700 billion bailout of Wall Street – and has since continued to support any and all attempts to first save the wealthy on Wall Street as opposed to the US economy.

Obama is for escalating US military intervention in Afghanistan – which, after only his first week in office, included the bombing of neighboring Pakistan.

Obama’s true litmus test will comes when we see him repeal the Patriot Act. If he leaves it the way it is, all I can say is – meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

The one good thing I can say about George Bush is, he was easy to criticize. His idiocy was unrivaled and so obvious. But with Obama, and the hoards of Obamamaniac supporters, even constructive criticism is difficult. His presidency has already taken on mythological proportions.

So, can we expect more massive bailouts, perhaps into the tens of trillions of dollars?

Obama’s already told Americans to get ready for the prospect of “trillion-dollar deficits for years to come.”

You do realize this money has to be paid back at some time, right? Paid back by your grandchildren, great grandchildren and great, great grandchildren.

I imagine that once Obama starts raising taxes to pay for these bailouts (oops, did I say bailouts, I meant stimulus packages) of the rich, this Obama fantasy bubble will burst just like all those economic bubbles, because there are no miracles in store for America, only debt; enormous debt, prosperity crushing, debilitating debt.

Eventually, reality will sink in. The many deluded Obama-zombies will doubtlessly be disappointed when their taxes go up and their quality of life goes down. As jobs are lost, foreclosures and bankruptcies continue to climb and neighborhoods become deserted, maybe then we, the unwashed masses, will realize Obama has no miracle solutions up his sleeve. His limitations will be revealed when the economy bottoms out in the next year or so when the lines of jobless, homeless and hungry can’t get the “change” from its new leader.

The public, as usual, has been seduced by eloquent oratory and shallow promises. Promises that likely will not and possibly cannot, be kept. And even though Obama is obviously a man of superior intellect, as far as I can tell, he does not have superpowers beyond those of mere mortal men.

By Timo Cerantola

The end of the world is coming very, very soon. I know this, because it’s almost the year 2012 and besides, it’s written right on the front page of one of those supermarket tabloids. It’s true.  The headline even specified the exact day and time, “The end of the world is coming December 23, 2012 – at midnight.”  I wonder, is that Eastern Standard time? (Check your local listings for your end of the world).

Anyway, that’s what it said, right there on the front page – just below the picture of Pedro, the chicken juggling goat boy.

Even some TV evangelists have jumped on the 2012 doom and gloom bandwagon. I suppose they feel disappointed that doomsday 2000 never happened. So this time, they’re hitching their religious death wagons to the Mayan Calendar event instead. They’d hate to miss out on any chance of global destruction. I guess god must be pretty pissed-off.

Mind you, it is a very thoughtful god who gives out exact dates and times. That way, his followers will know when to get ready to bite the big cookie. Really, it’s nice of the “Big Guy in the Sky” to be so precise and punctual about ending the world. But that’s god for you. He’s such a nice, capable and skillful supreme being. (He was very creative as a child you know).

Now as I see it, there are some big advantages to having a specific date or event on which to end the world and the beginning of the winter solstice suits me fine. Think about it, if the end were to come on some random date and time like August 26th, 2023 at 1:42 pm – it would surprise the living crap out of everyone.

Hey, if I were a follower of that particular death cult, I’d be really ticked about the timing. I need a nice round number or a seasonal event that’s easy to remember. Without it, I wouldn’t be prepared. I probably wouldn’t be wearing clean underwear. My mother always warned me I should wear clean underwear just in case of emergency – not that they’d be clean for very long if the world were exploding.

Anyways, I’ve often wondered how mankind’s (and womankind’s) collective end will happen.

Will our sun go nova?

Perhaps we’ll have another devastating global flood?

Or maybe a giant asteroid will crash head on into the earth and smash our world into a billion, trillion bits to float freely in the frigid airless vacuum of space? Ouch… that sounds pretty grim.

Now my personal favourite end of the world scenario has always been alien attack and destruction of our planet by space invasion. (I guess all those Star Trek repeats really messed up my brain). The idea of multi-tentacled, one-eyed space aliens zapping humanity into mammal dust has always appealed to my pessimistic side.

If you’ve ever read what the most famous psychics have to say about the end of the world, you’ll find that many of them have also picked the year 2012 for mankind to collectively take a dirt nap.

The famed psychic, Edgar Cayce, hinted that Armageddon would be upon us early in the twenty first century. Known as “the sleeping prophet” because his prediction methodology involved weird, otherworldly sleepy trances, Edgar Cayce would lie down and get all dozy and bug-eyed before popping off with his brand of doom and gloom.

I’m sure I could do the same.

Timo Cerantola, the sleepy psychic guy. I can go into sleepy trances too you know. But, only when I watch TV. Of course after that, I just pass out and snore. No gloom. No doom. No end of the world – just this big snorkley sound emanating from my honker.

Michel de Nostredame or Nostradamus, also predicted troubled times early in the 21st century – that is if you can decipher his convoluted quatrains. For centuries, these now famous rhyming predictions have been meticulously translated by experts (with too much time on their hands and not enough brain cells in their heads) to be an accurate forecast of future events.

I imagine in a few hundred years from now, charlatans may try the same scam with the children’s book, “Green Eggs and Ham.” Our naïve future descendents riveted to their seats in terror as they read an ancient apocalyptic warning by the great 20th century psychic, Dr. Seuss…

“I will not eat them with a mouse.

I will not eat them in a house.

I will not eat them here or there.

I will not eat them anywhere.

I do not eat green eggs and ham.

I do not like them, Sam-I-am.”

Of course, the experts of the future will agree. Dr. Seuss is referring to a future invasion of the evil and sadistic rhyming “Who” people that release a radioactive plague on an unsuspecting human race that turns everything green.

Maybe this world will end one day, likely to be replaced with the next world a few hundred million years later. If there is a god, maybe he knows when that end will be. If I knew when the end was coming, you’d find me at the local ice cream shop, the day before, ordering triple scoops …on waffle cones … with extra sprinkles. In fact, I would likely die from eating too much ice cream, and miss the big end of the world show on the next day.

Should the psychics be right about the year 2012 and there is a god who would do such a thing, that god is in position for the best practical joke of all time. Instead of ending it all at the stroke of midnight, he should wait a few extra minutes, just long enough for us to open our eyes and remove our fingers from our ears.

Then, while we’re all rejoicing and dancing in the streets thinking it’s not the end after all… KABOOM!!! End of the World. What a laugh. That God. What a card!

But just in case, all smugness aside. If on December 23, 2012 at 11:59 pm you should happen to see an inordinate number of fat ladies out on the streets singing their lungs out. It might be advisable to put your head between your knees and kiss your backside good-bye. Because as they say, it ain’t over till the fat lady sings – and I’d put my money on the fat lady over any Mayan Calendar, Nostradamus, Sleepy Prophet Guy or god.

The End

By Tim Cerantola

Well, it’s that time again when all of us psychics make our predictions for the coming new year.

Now, I must admit that I’m a bit light in the psychic department – though I do have regular psychotic episodes if that’s any consolation – not to mention the word psychotic is on the very same page as psychic in the dictionary.

So kids, here’s next year’s news now. Hang on to your yoo-hoos or whatever floats your boat, and get ready for some psychic magic.

For the year 2009 I foresee many strange occurrences…

In January, despite President Bush’s claim to solid market fundamentals, the American dollar will continue to lose ground against all major board game currencies.

Due to market unrest and economic fallout, the Boogey Man, Easter Bunny and the Toothfairy will be layed-off. In an attempt to gain a government bailout, Santa Claus, president of UFO (Union of Fairies and Ogres) will travel to Washington to meet with Janet Napolitano, US Secretary of Imaginary Characters and Homeland Security. The two will come to agreement and avert the imaginary disaster.

Citing severe popularity problems, Dick Cheney will have his name legally changed to Yolanda.

Also in Washington, prior to leaving office, US president George Bush will accidentally declare war on New Jersey.

President Barack Obama will continue to fund large unprofitable banks and automobile corporations so that they may continue to lose more money.

In 2009, Washington will be rocked by a fidelity scandal. A majority of senators and congressmen will reveal they are actually faithful to their wives and happily married. The disturbing news will force several media outlets to near collapse, as without trashy, imbecilic, gossipy gutter news to report on every half hour, the media will be forced to report only factual news of interest.

On the sports scene, a popular baseball player will demand and receive the highest dollar figure in the history of professional sports. He will be given ownership of the team as payment for playing. Once owner, he will promptly trade himself away in an effort to reduce hefty player salaries.

Finally, former US president George Bush will leave office and return to Texas where he will devote much of his time and energy to mastering the game of video pong. Also on the Bush front, George W. will be arrested for DWS (driving while stupid).

This will be the year that several major peace agreements will be reached – on the planet Moolga. I wish I were there.

In view of recent corruption charges against him, the State Of Illinois will attempt to distance itself from Gov. Rod Blagojevich and officially change its name to Shirley.

On the science front, having closely studied all the data, scientists will announce they have no clue whatsoever as to what is going on.

Barney the dinosaur will once again make the news with his wanderlust, draggletail dinosaur ways. Yes, Barney will be caught in the arms of yet another reptile, Rush Limbaugh. Mrs. The Dinosaur will sue for divorce as this will prove to be Barney’s 4th infidelity – not counting that one-nighter thing he had with Miss Piggy back in 2002.

An alien invasion will be unwittingly thwarted in Detroit. Aliens, upon landing in the “Motor City” will have their windshield washed by hoards of unemployed auto workers. When the aliens refuse to pay for the service, the irate street side squeegee people will beat them senseless. Their hubcaps will also be stolen.

Further on the alien contact front, the United Nations will appoint former US president Bill Clinton as spokesman for Earth. The meetings will go poorly as, when asked about the proceedings, the aliens will complain, “We knew we said take us to your leader, …now take us to someone who won’t play grab-ass with our wives.”

In August, a state of emergency will be declared in California when a Britney epidemic strikes. The number of people named Britney in the state will reach a highly toxic 35% of the population.

God the Almighty will once again be a no-show for 2009. Though the search has gone on for some time now, everyone’s favorite benevolent supreme being, who hates gay people, feminists and Muslims will continue to elude fundamental Christians.

A popular burger chain will score big with by introducing copious amounts of caffeine, sugar and nicotine into one of its most popular meal selections. The “Way too damn happy meal” will be a big seller in 2009.

In an attempt to put Americans back to work, president Barack Obama will announce the largest make-work project in history. Starting in 2009, Obama will commit the US to tearing down the Rocky Mountains and moving them to Florida.

In late 2009 in Washington DC, a commemorative thirty-foot high likeness of George Bush will be erected in Washington’s Constitutional Gardens. The sculpture made entirely of baloney, will quickly become the favourite of the Garden’s millions of pigeons – not to mention the target of Washington’s millions of enthusiastic shoe throwers.

On the fast food front, “burger wars” will erupt as a result of a fistfight between Ronald McDonald and The Burger King at a beef convention. McDonald’s clown of beef will accuse the King of having a lurid affair with Wendy the rag doll from Wendy’s. The King, not to be out done, reveals sordid details of an alleged same-sex affair between Ronald and the Hamburglar. Armies of burger clowns will battle the forces of burger royalty. Sadly, Mayor McCheese will perish in the ensuing battle.

A major category 5 hurricane, an earthquake, a giant snowstorm, ensuing avalanche and an erupting volcano will cause two Ebola infected passenger planes to collide with an asteroid and crash into a nuclear power station creating a massive spread of Ebola hemorrhagic fever, a major power blackout and a radio-active wildfire that will be extinguished by a 500 foot tsunami that strikes the US Eastern Seaboard.

And finally, in Hollywood, remakes of old movies will continue to be the craze as, in yet another sequel, has-been action stars Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Bruce Willis will team up to star in the blockbuster Wizard of Oz sequel, a war-action extravaganza entitled, “Die, Munchkin Die: Assault on Oz.”

By Tim Cerantola

If you were to ask me, Tim, as a media professional who knows absolutely nothing about advertising, what would you say is the most effective way to advertise a product on TV?

Well, judging by what I’ve seen of TV ads I’d say, first, assume that the entire viewing audience is completely and totally without a critical thinking process and must be addressed as if you were speaking to people with the IQ’s of mayonnaise.

Secondly, as if speaking to people with severe hearing disorders, you must scream your ad at them with decibel levels approaching that of jet aircraft taking off.

Third. Rattle off your ad at a rapid, break neck speed so that no one will actually be able to understand what you are saying, other than the odd burst of the words sale, save or buy. This is how advertising is done.

Now, if through this muddled process, you can manage to add a few bits about how your product will make people the envy of all of their friends, rich beyond their wildest dreams as well as lose that sagging fat that seems to collect around their thighs and mid-sections, that will help your ad immensely – even if you’re selling laundry soap.

Of course, the whole point of advertising is to make the general public feel bad about themselves, their lives, friends, families and everything they ever believed in.

Then, once you’ve got them feeling suicidal, tell them that your “product” will cure them of their inadequacies and, all of their problems will vanish instantly with one ingestion, application or insertion (?) of your “product” – that is, until they run out. Then of course, their lives will return to a steaming pathetic pile of crap (unless they purchase more of your product immediately).

Seriously, can you people even stand yourselves unless you have shiny silky hair, soft toilet paper and armpits that smell like pine cones?

Well… can you?

I certainly can’t stand myself. And, as far as I can tell, I can’t stand any of you either – and I don’t even know most of you.

“Oh honey,” the commercial begins. “It’s our son Bill on the phone. He’s just bought life insurance and he’s so very happy now!” (Father takes the phone).

“Good for you son. You know, I own lots of insurance too. Now we can both die and leave lots of money to our widows (and their new gigolo boyfriends). You’ve made me very proud son.”

Granted, I’m all for life insurance if you have a young family. But, I’ve never once called my parents to excitedly announce my new premiums.

OK, let’s play a little game. I’ll describe the commercial and you try to guess what they’re advertising.

A woman is riding a horse along the beach. Then, she’s parachuting out of a plane. Finally, she’s snorkeling in scuba gear along some brilliantly colored coral reef surrounded by a vast array of colorful tropical fish. What do you associate this imagery with?

No, not sports. NO, NOT FITNESS!

What? Didn’t “feminine products” immediately spring to mind? What’s wrong with you?

You would think the ad would address severe painful cramps, agonizing lower back pain and a crabby, nagging pain-in-the-ass kind of attitude, but no. From my way of thinking, when it comes to a woman’s monthly dementia, skydiving isn’t usually a high priority for most women. Heck, when my wife goes into her cycle, I like to wear my hockey helmet around the house.

That was too easy. Let’s try something more difficult then.

The camera circles as it descends to reveal a lovely, beaming woman dressed in a frilly summery dress, a sun hat and in her arms, a huge bouquet of flowers. She’s twirling around madly and unashamedly – around and around and around, insanely out of control in a meadow full of tall grass and wild flowers.

Well?

If you guessed cream cheese, you’re right! It’s amazing how a little bit of cream cheese can send someone into a whirling, twirling, psychotic episode. It must be good cheese! Hey, count me in. I want a cheese that can drive a woman crazy.

Sex usually sells. Try to guess this next product.

An attractive woman and her woefully, pathetic, potato-like, sofa-loaf of a boyfriend are sitting together watching TV. While her listless man lump lies lethargically inert watching a football game, stuffing his fat, goofy-looking face with “cheesits” – she stares off into space, secretly fantasizing, transforming this sad, sloppy slug of a man both facially and bodily, into some kind of Adonis love-god to suit her lustful desires. Then, suddenly, her new hunk-of-a-man burps grotesquely aloud and bursts her fantasy bubble, returning her guy to his normal pathetic presentation of paunchy paralysis.

Now, what product could they possibly be advertising?

If you guessed shampoo, you must be an advertising geni-ass, because never in a million years, did I see that one coming.

Men, of course, when it comes to advertising, require far less fantasy and more, hit them over the head with a two-foot long salami kind of presentation. So, this next one should be easy.

The scene opens with a large group of guys, pals, chums, buddies – arms slung over each other’s shoulders singing and laughing and smiling as they belt out a very manly baritone sounding anthem of pure, unadulterated joy.

If you guessed beer ad, you guessed right.

Too easy I know. But guys are basically simple-minded creatures. When we get together to drunkenly sing our anthems of love to our favorite beer, to my way of thinking, it’s like admitting, YES, all male friendships are merely based on our beer preferences. We don’t usually don’t get along that well, unless we’re wobbly, plastered or fall-down stupid. Because, other than beer, we really don’t have a good reason to base our friendships on. When the beer is gone, we just go home and fart.

Finally, this is an easy one.

Picture clouds, fluffy kittens and angels. They’re floating, tumbling, playfully frolicking and running about in sheep-speckled fields of white and eiderdown. They are so cuddly, and or, heavenly in their disposition as they subtly breach the delicate nature of the product at hand.

Toilet paper.

For reasons that defy explanation, we in the western world are consumed with the need for soft bathroom tissue. For, in this most tender of human matters, it would seem that advertisers believe that what people really want, is to wipe their butts with furry little animals (and/or heavenly beings). But don’t you dare. PETA and Greenpeace lurk behind every fuzzy little thing on this planet.

Seriously, it’s amazing how a little bit of softness up the back passage can send so many people into a world of delusional happiness.

By Tim Cerantola

According to many psychics, religious fundamentalists and doomsday enthusiasts (who are all, more or less, the same people), the Bible’s final battle between good and evil is now imminent.

In fact, these apocalyptic predictions are taken so seriously by so many; a profitable “end times” industry has emerged to feed this growing gullible audience willing to pay for a daily dosage of doom and gloom.

Granted, in view of recent world events, our collective demise doesn’t seem like that much of a stretch, especially when the fear-mongering corporate media cheers from the sidelines, selling these wars along with their regular offerings of disaster, disease, pestilence and Sarah ‘my god can beat up your god’ Palin’s latest nuggets of political wisdom. Perhaps it’s only natural for the public to feel threatened and expect the worst.

Still, despite all this marketing of doom and prophetic pretentiousness, as far as I’m concerned, any talk of the end of the world is nothing but mindless nonsense and Nostradamus is just a great name for a new sinus medication.

However, just in case I’m completely wrong about this, and global annihilation is just around the corner, perhaps you should prepare yourselves with some end times knowledge by taking this apocalyptic quiz.

Question #1

1. Complete this next sentence. The end of the world will occur…

a) In 2012, coinciding with the end of the Mayan calendar.
b) When the “fat lady” sings.
c) When the Dow drops below 5,000.
d) Due to unprecedented levels of stupidity in Washington.

2. When the end of the world occurs, what is the most important thing to remember?

a) Your absolute faith in God’s love.
b) the pledge of allegiance.
c) Your eternal soul.
d) To bring clean underwear.

3. When looking for sure signs of the end times, we are told to look for…

a) Great signs in the heavens.
b) “www.endtimes.com” on the internet.
c) An increase in global disasters
d) an increase in homeowner insurance premiums.

4. In the end, according to Jesus’ Beatitudes sermon, who will inherit the earth?

a) Barack Obama and Joe Biden
b) Sarah Palin and her grandpa John.
c) Bill Gates Jr.
d) The “meek” (minus the usual 15% in lawyers fees).

5. What is meant by “the rapture?”
a) It’s something that can happen when you pick up a really heavy object.
b) A Toronto basketball player.
c) It’s when God will rescue His faithful before the battle of Armageddon.
d) It’s the feeling I’ll get when the Toronto Maple Leafs finally win
the Stanley Cup again.

6. It is said that when Jesus returns, He will set up his earthly kingdom in…

a) New Jersey
b) New Hampshire
c) Wasilla, Alaska
d) The New Jerusalem

7. Which of the following 2 characters did NOT help Dorothy find her way to the Emerald City?

a) The Scarecrow
b) The Anti-Christ
c) The Tin Man
d) The False Prophet
e) The Cowardly Lion

8. In the 11th century, the Irish Bishop Malachy made a series of predictions, meticulously listing and describing each of the remaining 112 Popes leading up to the final battle of Armageddon. According to Malachi’s predictions, only one Pope remains after our present Pope Benedict.

Pick the correct one
a) Pope Cheney, the Dick
b) Peter, the Roman.
c) Arnold, the Schwartzenegger
d) Pope Obama, the flipflopper

9. Which of the following is NOT an Edgar Cayce prophecy?

a) Atlantis will rise from the depths of the Atlantic Ocean.
b) In North America, a cataclysmic change will cause the Great Lakes
to drain into the Gulf of Mexico.
c) Both California and Japan will sink into the Pacific Ocean.
d) Pizza will be delivered within 30 minutes – or it’s free.

And finally…

10. What have the prophets really been trying to warn mankind of for centuries?
a) Of the many earth changes to come.
b) That the mark of “the Beast” is just a bad haircut.
c) That the words prophet and profit are surprisingly similar.
d) That like P.T. Barnum said, there’s a sucker born every minute.

YOUR QUIZ SCORE: Who cares? The end is near for Pete’s sake. For once in
your life stop trying to be such a smarty-pants!